Joe Biden’s Poor Performance In Iowa Signals Opportunity For Mike Bloomberg’s Campaign

Joe Biden’s Poor Performance In Iowa Signals Opportunity For Mike Bloomberg’s Campaign


WELCOME, WELCOME, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, TO “THE LATE SHOW.” I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OH, YEAH, YOU CAN TELL, MAN. IT IS FRIDAY.( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT IS ABOUT DAMN TIME. AND IT’S BEEN A HELL OF A FEW
DAYS. YEARS FROM NOW, WE’LL LOOK BACK
ON THIS WEEK AND THINK, “HEY, WHEN ARE WE GONNA GET THE
RESULTS OF THE IOWA CAUCUS?”( LAUGHTER )
SO MANY HUGE THINGS HAPPENED IN THE PAST SIX DAYS, I’M GETTING
THEM ALL MIXED UP. I’M PRETTY SURE MITT ROMNEY WAS
ACQUITTED OF AWARDING THE MEDAL OF FREEDOM TO SHAKIRA’S SPARKLY
SHORT-SHORTS? THIS WEEK, WE ALL ENDURED
TRUMP’S STATE OF THE UNION. NOT ALL OF US, BECAUSE THE
SPEECH’S TV RATINGS WERE DOWN 2% FROM LAST YEAR, WHICH MEANS
IF HE DOES IT AGAIN NEXT YEAR, HE’S GOING TO HAVE TO PULL SOME
TV GIMMICKS TO ROPE IN VIEWERS. SO GET READY FOR “YOUNG UNION. “THE STATE OF OUR SHELDON IS
BAZINGA!” BUT NOW THAT THE G.O.P. HAS
COVERED UP TRUMP’S CRIMES, IT’S UP TO VOTERS TO GET RID OF THE
GUY.( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YUP. DO YOUR DUTY. GOTTA VOTE. I SAID DUTY.>>Jon: EVERYBODY IS VERY
HYPED TO DO THAT.>>Stephen: I DID. I’LL GIVE YOU THE LATEST IN
TONIGHT’S EDITION OF:>>YOU, OFF THE BOARD, OR I’LL
COME UP AND DRAWING OFF! ♪ ♪ ♪
>>A PROGRESSIVE AGENDA.>>WHY THE HELL DO THEY LIKE
CHOCOLATE?>>”FURY ROAD TO THE WHITE
HOUSE, 2020.”( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
STIERS IS TIGHT, MAN. IT TOOK A LONG TIME TO SORT OUT
WHAT HAPPENED AT THE IOWA CAUCUS, BUT IT LOOKS LIKE IT’S
FINALLY ALMOST SETTLED. I’M SORRY, CHAIR OF THE
D.N.C., YOU WERE SAYING? “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. IN LIGHT OF THE PROBLEMS THAT
HAVE EMERGED, I AM CALLING ON THE IOWA DEMOCRATIC PARTY TO
IMMEDIATELY BEGIN A RECANVASS.” WHAT? NOOO! IOW-ONCE WAS ENOUGH! THIS IS THE WORST REBOOT IDEA
SINCE “LITTLE WOMEN 2: THE REVENGE OF ZOMBIE BETH!”
( LAUGHTER )
WATCH OUT, MARMEE. SHE’S COMING BACK FOR HER PIANO! NOW, WHETHER THEY RECANVASS OR
NOT, THE BIG WINNERS IN IOWA WERE BERNIE SANDERS AND
PETE BUTTIGIEG, AND THEY’RE LEADING IN NEW HAMPSHIRE, TOO. THEY’RE LEADING IN NEW
HAMPSHIRE, TOO. SO THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN’S GOING TO
HAVE TO COME UP WITH A WHOLE NEW STRATEGY.( AS TRUMP )
“HELLO, UKRAINE? I KNOW I JUST ESCAPED
IMPEACHMENT, BUT I NEED YOU TO DO ME A FAVOR, THOUGH. IS THERE ANY CHANCE YOU GUYS
COULD FIND A HUNTER BUTTIGIEG?”( LAUGHTER )
HELLO? THE IOWA RESULTS WERE ROUGH FOR
JOE BIDEN. HE FINISHED FOURTH, WITH ONLY
15.8%. HE MADE A BIG MISTAKE WHEN HE
ATTACKED IOWA’S STATE MASCOT.>>CORN POP WAS A BAD DUDE!( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: BIDEN’S FOURTH-PLACE FINISH WAS A TOUGH BLOW TO HIS
CAMPAIGN, BUT THIS WEEK IN NEW HAMPSHIRE, HE TOLD VOTERS THIS:
>>AS MY MOTHER WOULD SAY, “HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL, PAL.” WE ARE NOT GIVING UP. WE ARE NOT GIVING UP.>>Stephen: THIS IS ONLY THE
SECOND STATE, AND YOU’RE ALREADY ON “HOPE SPRINGS
ETERNAL?” THAT’S LIKE BEING 10 MINUTES
INTO A HIKE AND SAYING, “WHADDYA SAY WE EAT LUKE FIRST? HE’S SINGLE,
NO ONE’S GONNA MISS HIM!” HE’S ALREADY SWEATY AND SALTY. HE SEASONED HIMSELF. LET’S DO IT. COME ON, LET’S DO THIS THING. SLOW IT UP.>>Jon: VEGETARIAN.>>Stephen: BUT BIDEN ALSO
RECOGNIZES HOW BAD THIS LOOKS.>>I AM NOT GOING TO SUGARCOAT
IT. WE TOOK A GUT PUNCH IN IOWA. THE WHOLE PROCESS TOOK A GUT
PUNCH. BUT, LOOK, THIS ISN’T THE FIRST
TIME IN MY LIFE I’VE BEEN KNOCKED DOWN.>>Stephen: (AS BIDEN)
“WHY, JUST TODAY ON THE WALK OVER HERE, SOME MANIAC WRESTLED
ME TO THE GROUND. IT LATER TURNED OUT TO BE THE
WINDBREAKER I WAS TRYING TO PUT ON.( LAUGHTER )
HE’S A BAD DUDE.” BIDEN IS SO OPTIMISTIC THAT AT A
CNN TOWN HALL, BIDEN EXPLAINED WHAT HE’S LOOKING FOR IN A VICE
PRESIDENT.>>AS VICE PRESIDENT, I THINK IT
WOULD BE WONDERFUL TO HAVE A WOMAN OR A PERSON OF COLOR AS
VICE PRESIDENT. BUT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING
I’VE LEARNED FROM MY RELATIONSHIP WITH BARACK– I
CALL HIM BARACK, NOT PRESIDENT, BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO CONFUSE
HIM WITH THE PRESIDENT.>>Stephen: DID YOU NOTICE HOW
SUBTLY WITH BIDEN INSERTS OBAMA INTO EVERY POSSIBLE ANSWER. “DO YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT?”
“NO, BUT YOU KNOW WHO LOVES FRIES? MY FRIEND BARACK OBAMA LOVES
FRIES. HE USED TO SAY TO ME, ‘JOE?’–
HE USED TO SAY TO ME, ‘JOE?’– HE CALLED ME JOE BECAUSE HE
DIDN’T WANT TO CONFUSE ME WITH VICE PRESIDENT JOHN
C. CALHOUN. HE’D SAY, ‘JOE, THESE ARE SOME
TASTY FRIES, AND YOU’D MAKE A TASTY PRESIDENT. LIKE ME, JOE BIDEN’S FRIEND
BARACK OBAMA.'”( LAUGHTER )
BIDEN’S POOR PERFORMANCE IS PURE GOLD FOR ONE OF HIS RIVALS,
FORMER NEW YORK CITY MAYOR AND IGUANA REFUSING TO DO THE TRICK
DURING THE ANIMAL SHOW, MIKE BLOOMBERG. BLOOMBERG HAS BEEN RUNNING AN
UNCONVENTIONAL CAMPAIGN BY SKIPPING THE EARLY STATES, AND
HOPING FOR THE COLLAPSE OF OTHER LEADING CAMPAIGNS, MOST
CRUCIALLY, JOE BIDEN’S. REALLY MAKES BLOOMBERG SEEM LIKE
A NICE GUY.( AS EVIL BLOOMBERG )
“OH, YEEEES, JOE! YES! OH, DO TIRE YOURSELF SHAKING THE
HANDS OF THE PAUPERS AS I WATCH FROM MY GLITTERING TOWER HIGH
ABOVE THE CITY. SOON, I SHALL BE THE ONE KISSING
THOSE PENNILESS BABIES IN ARMS AND SUPPING UPON THE APPLE’D
PIES! ME: RELATABLE EVERYMAN MICHAEL
“MIKE” BLOOMBERG– WENTWORTH, TO THE VELOCICOPTER!”
( APPLAUSE )
HE HAS. HE CAN FLY HELICOPTERS.>>Jon: HE FLIES THAT. THAT’S INTERESTING.>>Stephen: BLOOMBERG’S GOING
ALL IN ON HIS PLAN, BECAUSE HE JUST TOLD HIS TEAM TO DOUBLE HIS
SPENDING ON TELEVISION COMMERCIALS. HOW? HOW CAN HE DO THAT? HE’S ALREADY ON TV ALL THE TIME. AT THIS POINT, HE’LL HAVE TO BUY
AD SPACE IN OTHER PEOPLE’S COMMERCIALS. GET ANOTHER TUB IN THERE. SCRUB THEM OFF! NOW, JOE BIDEN’S GOING TO HAVE
TROUBLE SWALLOWING HIS NEXT ONE, BUT THIS, WHAT I’M ABOUT TO
SHOW YOU, IS MIKE BLOOMBERG’S ACTUAL LATEST COMMERCIAL.>>HE’S BEEN A LEADER
THROUGHOUT THE COUNTRY FOR THE PAST 12 YEARS. MR. MICHAEL BLOOMBERG IS
HERE.>>LEADERSHIP IN ACTION. MAYOR BLOOMBERG AND PRESIDENT
OBAMA WORKED TOGETHER IN THE FIGHT FOR GUN-SAFETY LAWS, TO
IMPROVE EDUCATION, AND TO DEVELOP INNOVATIVE WAYS TO HELP
TEENS GAIN THE SKILLS NEEDED TO FIND GOOD JOBS.>>Stephen: WOW. I THINK BLOOMBERG’S STRATEGY IS
JUST STEAL EVERY OTHER CANDIDATES’ THING.( AS BLOOMBERG )
“I BELIEVE THE TOP 10th OF THE TOP 10% HAVE TOO MUCH POWER, BUT
AS MAYOR OF SOUTH BEND, INDIANA, I HAVE A PLAN FOR THAT. IT INVOLVES MY DOG BAILEY, WHO’S
GONNA GIVE YOU $1,000 A MONTH. NOW LET’S BRING OUT MY
HUSBAND, CHASTEN. I’M MICHAEL YANG-BERNWARR-BOOTY. AND BARACK OBAMA APPROVED THIS
MESSAGE.”( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
BUT– BUT–
BUT TRUMP’S NOT WORRIED ABOUT 2020 RIGHT NOW. INSTEAD, TRUMPS IS LASER FOCUSED
ON HIS REAL ENEMY: NEW YORK. TRUMP AND HIS IMMIGRATION GOONS
HAVE BEEN MAD AT NEW YORK STATE EVER SINCE THEY PASSED “A LAW
THAT ALLOWS UNDOCUMENTED IMMIGRANTS TO OBTAIN DRIVER’S
LICENSES.” AND TRUMP BELIEVES THEY SHOULD
ONLY BE ABLE TO GET MARRIAGE LICENSES. SO–
( LAUGHTER )
SO–
>>Jon: WOW.>>Stephen: SO, THE
ADMINISTRATION CAME UP WITH A WAY TO STICK IT TO ITS
OWN CITIZENS, BY BLOCKING NEW YORKERS FROM ENROLLING IN
GLOBAL ENTRY, A TRAVEL PROGRAM WHICH ALLOWS APPROVED
PARTICIPANTS FASTER PASSAGE THROUGH SECURITY AT AIRPORTS. THAT IS THE CRUELEST PUNISHMENT
IMAGINABLE: MORE TIME IN NEWARK.( LAUGHTER )
ON THE PLUS SIDE– ON THE PLUS SIDE– I’LL SAY THIS– THAT DOES
MEAN MORE TIME FOR ME TO FINISH MY QDOBA NACHOS INSIDE
THE LACTATION PRIVACY POD. FOR AM I NOT THE CHILD AT HEART,
SUCKLING ON THE NACHO TEAT? “BE OUT IN A MINUTE. I’M HAVING TROUBLE LATCHING ON.” THE ANNOUNCEMENT WAS DROPPED ON
US LAST NIGHT BY ACTING HOMELAND SECURITY SECRATARY AND NAME THAT
A WOLF PRETENDING TO BE HUMAN WOULD CALL ITSELF– CHAD WOLF. “IT IS I, CHAD WOLF, a MAN WHO
LOVES HUMAN THINGS, LIKE COOKED FOOD. AND STANDING. CHAD WOLF SEES SOMETHING ON YOUR
NECK. COME CLOSER TO CHAD WOLF.”( LAUGHTER )
THERE’S ALSO NEWS ABOUT FIRST SON, DON JR., SEEN HERE
DELIVERING HIS CROWD-PLEASING CATCHPHRASE:
“GAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHH.”( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS )
THAT’S MY FAVORITE. THAT’S MY FAVORITE JOKE TONIGHT. “GAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHH.” A HUNTING ORGANIZATION HAS JUST
ANNOUNCED THEY WILL BE AUCTIONING OFF A DREAM HUNT WITH
DONALD TRUMP JR. WOW. I MEAN, SHOULD THAT EVEN BE
LEGAL? I MEAN, HE’S THE PRESIDENT’S
SON. OH, YEAH, SURE, OKAY– THAT’S
DIFFERENT. HUNT WITH, HUNT WITH? MAKES MUCH MORE SENSE. THE OTHER THING WAS WRONG! WRONG!>>Jon: IT’S NOT HIM.>>Stephen: NOT GOOD! TURNS OUT, WHAT YOU’RE ACTUALLY
BIDDING ON IS AN ALASKA YACHT- BASED SITKA, BLACK-TAILED DEER
HUNT WITH DONALD TRUMP JR. THAT’S TOO MANY THINGS! THAT’S TOO MANY THINGS IN ONE
THING. YOU GOTTA KEEP IT SIMPLE FOR DON
JR.! HE’D BE JUST AS HAPPY WHIPPIN’
LIGHTBULBS AT AN OLD VAN IN THE WOODS!( AS DON JR. )
“ERIC, GO STAND BY THE VAN!” “I DON’T WANT TO.” “STAND BY THE VAN, YOU
BUTT-FACE! COME ON, CATCH IT.” THERE IS ALSO A PERFORMANCE FROM
THE BEACH BOYS. I FOR ONE CANNOT WAIT TO HEAR
DON JR. SINGING ALONG.(SINGING “WOULDN’T IT BE NICE”)
♪ WOULDN’T IT BE NICE TO KILL A MAMMAL
♪ FROM THE COMFORT OF A FANCY YACHT
♪ AND WOULDN’T IT BE NICE IF MY DAD WOULD HUG ME
♪ I GUESS I’LL HUG THE DEER THAT I JUST SHOT ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT! JAMES TAYLOR IS BACK! SWEET BABY JAMES. AND WHEN WE COME BACK, HOW ABOUT
SOME “MEANWHILE!” WOULD YOU LIKE SOME “MEANWHILE.”

100 Replies to “Joe Biden’s Poor Performance In Iowa Signals Opportunity For Mike Bloomberg’s Campaign

  1. 4.28 (timestamp) Yes, it would be good to have a woman or person of colour as VP. BUT that should be based on their politics and not their identity!! If you keep playing this card Trump will win AGAIN

  2. late night bullshitters = the ain'ts Johnny Carson… I'm Voting RED = Remove Every DEMOcRAT…. How about you???? DEMOcRATS ≠ country….

  3. It signals an opportunity for *Mike Bloomberg*?! What about the literally three other candidates who beat him? Think they might have been signaled something?! Like that they're better candidates?!

  4. This show is becoming garbage… Bernie wins and Colbert talks about Bloomberg. Establishment much, Stephen? God I miss the original Colbert Report

  5. Stephen it is amazing how uninspired your material has become, perhaps you'd experience more accolades for your monologues if you highlighted more of the Democrats shortcomings politically. For instance how weak must Nancy Pelosi be if she has to prepare for her big finish during the State of the Union by tearing the documents beforehand !?

  6. DNC rob bernie in 2016, Joe had his chance in 2016 if he ran….he had a slim chance… he blew it. DNC blow all of it to hel

  7. So now the impeachment is over with, you've decided it's a good idea to beat up on the Democratic candidates. WTF man… humor is one thing but you're not being funny or even edgy, you're being insulting and disrespectful. Give it a rest.

  8. Thank you Steven for making my day with your impersonations. That singing was spot on.
    I am hopeful that one of the Democratic runners will soon pull out into a clear lead.
    Like Pete Booty_Judge or Bernie Scandals. Their great but Mike Bloopers from N.Y., I'm not so sure about that one.
     I could go for Elizabeth War-none from MA. or that Tom S-tiger's good too.

  9. Stephen Colbert, why are you belittling Joe Biden and the other Democratic candidates for that matter? Have they done something to make you angry??? You are giving Trump something to talk about.

  10. Bloomberg cant even form a sentence longer than 4 words at a time. He isnt beating anyone. Also was a Republican. Then independent then dem. He is opportunist and stupid

  11. Is Colbert normalizing oligarch Bloomberg into buying his way into our current "representational oligarchy"? The DNC is enabling Bloomberg by allowing him to play by a different set of rules than the rest of the presidential contenders.

  12. New Hampshire is Vermont's neighbor. Not sure how this equates to Bernie-love, but I'm not betting on Biden. Bloomberg?? I don't like billionaires. Just my opinion. Are there a lot of billionaire fans in New Hampshire?

  13. And when the true american voters vote him in again are you gona stop acting like a little cry baby and accept the man as your president ? Doubt it left wing douchbag

  14. You are all fools. Bernie will be called a socialist and trump will win. He wanted you to not like Biden. You fools deserve Trump.

  15. I'd love to go hunting with the junior douchebag and have an "accident" or two. The animals would be fine, but how sad, the junior douchebag wouldn't make it out alive. Sad.

  16. Up to the voters now. So for those of you in `16 that chose not to vote or waste your vote on independents, go double check your registration status and let's do this!

  17. Mike “I spend $200 million on ads and then donate $300k to the DNC and they then mysteriously remove the individual donor threshold so he can be in the debates” Bloomberg

    This is literally an oligarchy.

  18. Dude what did stires say? In the intro to fury road to the whitehouse 2020.. The cc doesnt cover it or what steven said… Its a yelp of some kind?

  19. I still hope democrats will come with a better proposal for presidency – non of this nice people will have a chance against snake trump

  20. I like how the liberal media makes fun of Trump while you don't hear a thing about the DNC screwing over Bernie again.

  21. Hunting the Don Junior would be very good. Culling vermin like him from the population is a public service.
    Peta would approve of such activity.

  22. How can you get rid of the guy if republicans vote for him and some democrats are racist too and they also vote for him,after all vote is secret

  23. I just can't wait to tell you everything you want to hear, because that's just who I am this week. I'm Mike Bloomberg, and I REALLY want to spend more than $2 billion becoming president before Bernie taxes me out of it… is that about right Mike?

  24. Stephen does his normal great job in bringing us laughter when we need it most. I also want to remind folks that Trump want to get the African American votes as suggested by some of his commercials however I want to remind the brothers and sisters that it Bernie Sanders we see marching with Dr. Martin Luther King.

  25. Keep pushing the narrative of Mike Bloomberg and Trump will surely make it back to the white house. Democrats learnt nothing from 2016. The establisment media such as yours put Trump in the white house

  26. Enjoying Steven's Shows for over two years now. Love it. BUT!!!!
    CAN WE FORGET TRUMP AND FOCUS ON CLIMA PLEASE????
    It must be possible to make fun about this or we will end up terribly. We end up any way right Steven?

  27. I constantly hear and read about how the republicans fear the wrath of Drumpf and his vengeful mind? If the brain- and spineless republicans had voted to impeach and remove him from the presidency all their problems would have been gone! No more fear, no vengeful retaliations! They wouldn't have to sleep at night with the lights on anymore!

  28. All around the world each country soliger , army , millty doing on world where n all they are each meetion
    Nothing to do with me n russia .
    We . I m n russia did not n will not reponsibility on those each country war meetion or any meetion each country on world .
    We will not give any things n any payment for n in those meetion
    Because ( we ) i m n russia did not know about n in with those all .
    We had never have meeting for those all meetion at all .

  29. Actually, its a good thing that Bloomberg will be under the spot light for 3 degree berns. In 2016 he financed a republican senate victory, that won with 1% of the vote. He put up 12 Million… without that we would not have Kavanagh, and a host of minor judges, for life…And 300+ bills being held up by Moscow Mitch…

  30. I m n russia did not reponsibility with all
    Usa dona trump + uk + thailand king+ mr frank j grass hold family promise on world each country promise will give money or vaccien or any things on they those all promise with each country on world .
    Because we did not know at all about those promisee n have meeting with them .
    Also we will not have agree for those promise .n will not in all those promise problam with them .

  31. At 6:30, Mike photoshopped into the Cialis 2 tub ad—- wow. And they knew they only had to show it for 1.5 seconds. That's why they pay the guy the big Bucks!

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