Good News If You’re Going to be Hit by a Google Car

Good News If You’re Going to be Hit by a Google Car


THERE’S A LOT OF TECHNOLOGY IN
THE NEWS TODAY. YOU ALL KNOW THAT THE
SELF–DRIVING CARS THAT GOOGLE HAS BEEN TESTING, YOU HAVE HEARD
OF THIS, RIGHT? THE SELF-DRIVING CAR. YESTERDAY THEY FILED A PATENT
FOR A NEW SAFETY FEATURE CALLED PEDESTRIAN GLUE, RIGHT? HONESTLY, THIS IS REAL. HOW IT WORKS IS IF THE
DRIVERLESS CAR HITS SOMEONE, IT RELEASES A GLUE-LIKE COATING SO
THAT THE THE PERSON WILL STICK TO THE HOOD INSTEAD OF BOUNCING
OFF, RIGHT? THIS IS GLOOGEL’S REAL DIAGRAM. WE DIDN’T MOCK THIS UP, RIGHT? NOW SOME CAR COMPANIES MIGHT
FOCUS ON MAKING CARS THAT DON’T HIT PEOPLE, NOT GOOGLE. NO WAY. THIS IS A REALLY CRAZY IDEA. SO IF ONE OF THESE CARS HITS
YOU, YOU WILL BE SPREAD EAGLED, STUCK TO THE HOOD AS THE CAR
SLOWLY ROLLS TO A HALT. BECAUSE THAT WAS THE PROBLEM
WITH GETTING HIT BY A CAR BEFORE. IT JUST WASN’T EMBARRASSING
ENOUGH. ON THE FLIP SIDE, IF THIS
CATCHES ON, IT COULD BE REALLY USEFUL FOR ALL THE PEOPLE I HIT
DURING CARPOOL KARAOKE. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
NOW BUT THE DRIVERLESS CAR THING SEEMS LIKE IT’S REALLY CATCHING
ON LATELY. IN FACT THE RIDE SHARING COMPANY
UBER HAS BEGUN TESTING DRIVERLESS CARS ON THE STREETS
OF PITTSBURGH, FINALLY UBER FOUND A WAY TO MAKE OUT OF WORK
ACTORS EVEN MORE OUT OF WORK. (LAUGHTER)
BUT DON’T WORRY, FOR ALL OF YOU WHO LOVE UBER, THE EXPERIENCE
ISN’T REALLY GOING TO CHANGE. TO KEEP IN LINE WITH UBER’S
BRAND, THEIR DRIVERLESS CARS WILL BE PROGRAMMED TO SMELL LIKE
COLOGNE AND ALSO MAKE FEMALE PASSENGERS REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE. (LAUGHTER)
BUT HONESTLY, I THINK THIS WHOLE DRIVERLESS UBER THING IS
UNNECESSARY. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO NOW IS GET
HIT BY ONE OF THOSE GOOGLE CARS, AND JUST HOPE IT’S GOING WHERE
YOU ARE GOING. YOU’LL BE FINE. (APPLAUSE)
BUT IN OTHER NEWS, HERE’S SOMETHING WHICH IS WORSE THAN
GETTING HIT BY A CAR. DID YOU SEE THIS STORY? THIS WEEK A CALIFORNIA MAN
RECORDED HIS WIFE GIVING BIRTH, AND ACCIDENTALLY LIVE STREAMED
IT TO THE WORLD ON FACEBOOK. LIKE I’VE HEARD OF PEOPLE ON
FACEBOOK OVERSHARING, BUT OVARY SHARING? THANK YOU. CAN YOU IMAGINE LOGGING ON TO
FACEBOOK THAT DAY, OH, I WONDER IF CAROL HAD THEIR. — BABY. AND SHE HAS, THERE IT IS, THERE. I’VE GOT TO SAY, I REALLY FEEL
FOR THIS HUSBAND. LIKE THAT MUST HAVE BEEN AN
AWKWARD CONVERSATION WITH HIS WIFE AFTERWARDS. LIKE, ON FACEBOOK YOUR MOTHER
SAYS OUR CHILD IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BABY SHE’S EVER SEEN. AND MY FRIEND DENNIS SAYS NICE
VAGINA.

36 Replies to “Good News If You’re Going to be Hit by a Google Car

  1. That child birth disaster is something you can expect to happen in Everybody loves raymond if it had been still running :/

  2. google has already taken precaution in order to avoid crashes but as a worse case plan this makes sense since it would avoid injury caused by being ragdolled or dragged under the tires of a vehicle

  3. You are by far and away the best way I start my day! We don't have cable so I watch your YouTube videos….and you absolutely crack me up! ??? I'm dying laughing! Spread eagle on the head of a Google car… ??? lmfao

  4. It would be so funny if we could see the car on Google Maps and we could see anybody stuck to the car just idk… Sleeping, freaking out, probably even having a snack.

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