BREAKING NEWS: THE EARTH IS FLAT | Totally Accurate Battle Simulator #1


When’s he gonna do it? IS he gonna do it? HOW’S he gonna do it? Is he going–? *WAPSH* TOP OF THE MORNING TO YA LADDIES MY NAME IS JACKSEPTICEYE! Ah, see? I got you, caught you off-guard. You don’t know when my intro’s coming! *inhale* Ahhh… It’s been a while. Do I have to pee? Who — who cares? Welcome back to Totally Accurate Battle Simulator. The game is — well I was gonna say the game is finally out. It’s still not out because now it’s just early access — *laughter* *giggling* This fuckin’ guy’s face… Look at this duuude! The game is finally out on early access.. that–that still doesn’t sound right.. But, we can play a–a bigger version of the game than we ever could before. It’s been a long time since the game got updated, and I for one– *clapping* –am very excited. *clapping* See how excited I am? *clapping* I do the clappies because I’m excited. So I want to go in and– …Unit creator? *laughter* I wanna create an absolute fucking UNIT! *laughter* Let’s just go to the campaign… “The Introduction.” “An introduction to the game … a collection of fun and interesting levels”, or “The Challenge”… Now… ..You know me. Big Papa Alpha himself. The Gaelic… *voice crack* …Gladiator. THE WARRIOR SPIRIT IS STRONG WITHIN– *gives up* …Let’s just do the introduction. Oh.. is this just gonna be introducing me to each and every unit? Uggghhhh… Oh! Oh, this looks good! Fucking mammoth? Oh… …Lord. There’s gonna be a lot more stuff in this than I have ever been used to, but I’m gonna be up in the fucking.. ..club right now. Catch me up in the club! You know?? Ugh…no wonder nobody hangs out with me. Okay club men, GO! Ohhh I get it!! I get it, cuz it’s the start! Wait, am I red or blue? I–I honestly can’t remember. We’re gonna find out if – AHAHAHA VICTORY! *breaks into laughter* I didn’t know which one it was, I just had to wait around and see if a victory.. Or a SADNESS was about to happen. Oh I can zoom in on them. Fuck yeah– *laughter* This is the start of the dab. This is where it all began. Back in the Neanderthal area, back when people were coming in like *grunting noises* And then he like……flipped a rock, and everyone went, “Ghhugh! Ghhgugh!” and he just went: *wheezing laughter* WHAT AM I DOING… …with my time..anymore. What am I doing here? None of it’s even real! This background? It’s not even REAL! It’s ALL FAKE! What am I doing with my life? I don’t know, having fun? Hell yeah. *laughter* Ahh, press tab to continue…I get it…Totally Accurate Battle… I can’t even… *chuckling* These kinda–these kinda look– *laughter* *laughter* When you and your boys step into the club like… *laughter* This is gold! I MISSED this game! Holy hell…See, I get it. It started off with the clubmen…because that’s what you DO! You start it off with fire! …Can I place my guys behind enemy lines? That’d be great. Alright lads. I know it’s not looking great… But you–ok. Ok–Ok. *inhale* I wasn’t ready; I didn’t give you your pep talk yet- LADS! Can you– throw some fucking spears– –son of a bitch ! Alright, lads, lads, I know it’s not looking great. Ok, I KNOW! That the odds are stacked against us! But I believe, in my Gaelic heart of baby hearts, that we can pull anything out! Alright? We can go out there, with our spears in our hand and our shields in our faces! AND WE CAN ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING! *large inhale* ARE YOU WITH ME LADS?! Alright, go boys! Ahahaha! Yes! Eh–Okay, what’s the point of having SHIELDS if you’re NOT GONNA USE them?! Oh! There’s a chance–there’s a chance.. *gasp* The distraction! It’s strong! GO! Don’t hit–don’t hit Steven–DON’T HIT STEVEN YEESSS!! OHHH! Some of the lads went down, *sniff + chest pound* There was a big loss here today, But sometimes you have to spill some milk… to make the omelets. That’s what my dad used to say – terrible cook, but my God if he didn’t have a… …big….. *laughter* What we got, what we got over here? Bunch o’ babies? All I’m seeing is a bunch of Lenny Kravitz lookin’ motherf- All right? Motherf*beeeep* You know what? When I go out there and I wanna *beep* some *beep* I do it with my biggest *beep* big boy *beep*!! All right, so all of you could just go out there and go *beep* yourselves! I was–I was–I was ‘beep’ing myself. That wasn’t editing. This is very–very fun. Hahahahaha. All right. What do I smell, fear? *sniff* No, I smell soiled nappies! You just cosplaying a Cubone? Oh, I’ma mmmmess you guys up. All right, this is how it’s gonna go down. Four spear throwers, four protectors. Coming up strong. We’re gonna have a bunch of big boys with their clubs. Go out there with your club in your hand and make mincemeat out o’ them. All right lads. Let’s get in! Let’s get stuck in! …oh Lord… Excuse me?! Where’re you getting that–where’re you getting that– *searches for word* Ss–s– …spike magic? All right. All right, doesn’t matter, doesn’t matter, my boys are comin’ out strong. YEAHH LADS!! *laughter* They’re TOO strong, they’re falling over themselves to win. Look at these– These are the faces of lads, that I can call winners. These are the faces of lads that I would like to call my friends. You know when you’re feeling sad, you just want a friend– *laughter* “Hey.” “Heard you talking about me.” Ohhh, yes, Stephen, Roger, Frederick.
*to Roger* Where’s your spear? You know what, I know where your spear is. It’s embedded in the back of some lad. There. There’s your spear *distant* I also should open up a window. Alright, back into the game–IT’S GETTIN’ WARM, BOYS! And–and girls. And you know what, everyone in between. You’re all welcome, come on in, have fun. Welcome to Jacksepticeye’s room! You’re all here to have a good time today. I’m gonna fold up–you guys can’t see it, actually. Every time I sit, I have like my–my knee up I’m kind of like, just sitting here like: *childlike voice* I’m playing games~ What do we got going on? *aggressive sniffing* I can smell the FEAR!! Those aren’t even–that’s not loincloths that you’re seeing. They just repurpose some of their–some of their… …some of their excrement! Bunch of clubmen and a bunch of spear–er–a bunch of shield men. All right, so I want to see…I want to put in two “stoners”. Hahah! *surf dude accent?* Hahah, suh, dude Aw, oh you going to Mike’s party later dude? Aw, don’t worry dude–I’ll see you there. Yeah, oh you going dude? (no accent): Dude, there’s no one there. *looks at unit* Damn, how much do you cost–THREE HUNDO?? That’s too many!! Come on, lads! Ohhh you’re getting way too close. You’re letting them get waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay… …too close. Thaat’s–that’s ba–that’s bad. Ohhh look away–Jeez!–LOOK AWAY CHILDREN! OHHH THE HUMANITY OF IT! Oh, it’s all over! Hoooly God–OHH! OHHH!! Oh… We just got…. Da Feet. DON’T put that up in wiki feet! I saw that it was on wiki feet. Actually, I’m kind of okay with it. If you’re into feet, then you’re into feet and who really cares. Oh, oh I can–I see–*laughs* I see you. All right, I’m takin’ names, and I’m takin’ faces. Okay, you especially! You’re DEAD. *singing* You’re goin’ down, down, da da da da! *singing* Hey sugar, we’re going to swing it. Oh. Oh. LET’S GO, BOYS! LET’S FUCKIN’ GO!! *laughter, battle sounds* Sweet Lord…. *laughter* We are getting TROLLOPED. We’re getting trounced, boys! I–no, don’t show me it. Don’t show– DON’T SHOW– We’re gonna have to rethink our strategy. All right, let’s go– Let’s go back to the drawing board, all right. I need– I need another plan. Okay. Imma formulate something. *dramatic music* *It’s been eight days, and still no solution. I can’t find the answer. It’s hopeless. All I can do is sit here and wallow in my misery and depression of my own making as I slowly die of starvation and sleep deprivation.* *dramatic music* *triumphant crescendo* *silence* As you can see, I have formulated a foolproof plan. Nothing is going to get into the way of this. This is the sequence that I need to really.. ..outperform my victims here on the battlefield. All right, this is the strategy. It’s gonna work. Go, bais. Go bais! GOOO BAIS!! Okay, okay *cough cough* THIS LACK OF TALENT IS KILLING ME! Er–okay, okay. Okay, okay, okay– This is–GET OFF THE SCREEN! Rethinking my formations. Okay? Yeah. I hope this works. I need all of your energy. Give me your energy! Give me that–you know that Spirit Bomb? You know–hold your hands in the air, raise your dongers. Put your hands in the air. And just Dragonball it–just go like aaaaaa aaaaaaAAAAAAAA aaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA aaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH All right, I need that energy *laughs* Uhh, Dragonball if you’re hiring voice actors again, um, hit me up– –uh, Jacksepticeye, eh, gmail. Okay. Um, I’ll be your friend. All right. All right, bring that energy. Bring that BIG BOY ENERGY. Here we go. We gotta split them up– YESS!! OOOHHHHH YEAHH!! That’s what I like to see. Get in there, bais! Okay. Aggghh!! Hahaha!! Ohh you magical, spiky, chieftain weirdo! Ohhh *kiss* *kiss* Yeah, can we get some victories in chat…for this sweet, Cubone double skull weirdo! Oh, you can wear your bones around your neck, but you have stolen my heart. ;3 Waooowww *impressed* We’re here in… ..good old.. ..Scotland. And we’re having a great time–my Gaelic brothers. I know over the years we’ve all said to each other, “We need to hate each other,” You know, the Scottish, and the Irish– Everyone thinks we go against each other because there’s that weird sibling rivalry between us. It’s like who’s the real Gaelic gladiators? Who’s the real Celtic warriors? All right, but you know what–doesn’t have to be like that– *coughing* Doesn’t have to be like that my Celtic brethren All right, we can go out there, the Scottish, and the Irish together. We can unite forces, we can go out there against the WORLD and we can show them who the real Celtic people are the real Gaelics of the… …Isles …all right, us and our big fearsome hairy chests and our big… ..bountiful bouncy baby buttocks. And we can show them who the real ginger warriors are. All right. Wha-what’re we going up against.. a bunch o’ babies? bunch o- Are these–are these hobbits? I’m a little scared. I’m not gonna lie. Okay. No foolies on this one, all right, I’m…I’m not… I’m not insecure enough ta, you know, say when I’m…I’mnotehhblfjhg *small laugh* I dunno what I’m trying to say. I can admit when I have a little fear in me, But the fear is what drives ya. Turn that fear into passion, and then you can overcome, over — accomplish anything. Alright, I’m sending two chieftains cuz you know what? I don’t really know what you guys are. But I want to know what you’re all about. I really want to get to know what you’re all about, you know, farmersonly.com. I really want to see what your profiles are like. Let’s–let’s just see what happens, all right, for the greater..good. Yes. Oh Lord– Jesus– They’re all over me bais! They’re all over me like a nappie rash!! D: Ohh…we got it. We got it though. We got it though. Yes–spearmen–go. There’s only two left. There’s only–ohhh–there’s still two left. Okay, uhh my numbers are off. Go! Go! Go. THROW! Throw! Can you–can you–THROW. ONE MORE–COME ON NOOOoo nOOOOOOOOooOOO You are the WORST. You’re the worst person. In this game, so far–I thought you had a unibrow *laugh* The googly eyes are the best. Thank you. Thank you Landfall Games, for making the best game humanity has ever seen. *small chuckle* *announcer voice filter* All of jacksepticeye’s warriors in Totally Accurate Battle Simulator are accountable for their own stunts. Nobody has stepped in in any shape, way, or form to get in their way, they all perform their own stunts…kind of like Tom Cruise. Anyway, remember him? Aaahhh, I remember him, back in the 1920s, when he didn’t even exist. Ahh, whatta man. Remember his teeth? It’s crazy, how much money can do for the human mouth. *laughs* I’m sorry Tom. You didn’t deserve that. You know, what as weird as Tom Cruise might be–hell of an actor. Let’s just get back into it. Let’s just jump into it. All right. Let’s see what the chieftains can do. *chuckling* It’s crazy…crazy men. THEY’RE FULL OF POINTS. Okay, okay, okay… WAPGPGPGHGHHAA Oh! Oh! Oh! OOoOohh!! oOOOOOOHHHhH! OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SEND HIM… …nnot to the ranch–what’s the opposite of the ranch? Where th–where does um…where does Dr. Phil send people when they’re GOOD? …Home? *laugh* Probably. SEND THIS GUY HOME. Also why do the skulls have eyes in them? That’s not how that works. Who’s this guy hangin’ out? *chuckle* Aawhhh I almost have enough for the mammoth. I want to send the mammoth in. That’s all I want to do. Please–send me in, coach. I’m ready. Um…I kinda want to just try more chieftains again. Those days were awesome last time. All right, just think of it–Oh, they’re wearing bales of hay. Haaaaaaaaaaaaay~ They’re wearing…hay bales. If only I had some horses on my team, I could really outnumber you then. *chuckle* What are you guys? Potion seller–*laugh* –“Potion seller, I’m heading into battle and I need your finest potions.” *laughs again* Have you–anyone seen that video? ‘S a good one. Wait, is he part of your team? *gasp* Apples! :0 …(Eyesight restored in 3…2…1)… …Those are tomatoes. *laughs* All right, victoryyYYYY SCREeeCHH! *alien chicken noise+scream???* LET’S GOOO *units shout in background* Oh! OH! *jack’s men die* Unfair! Now you turned them into gr–Oh, no, they’re all drunk. OH GOD THEY’RE ALL–THEY’RE ALL SEPTIC Are they dead? No, there’s one still alive. Oh, but you’re hitting your own lads! It confuses them! They hurt themselves out of confusion. *defeat* Well, that sucked. Okay, okay, I’m going for the old trio formation. Uuuh.. TRES ACCURATE BATTLE SIMULATOR. That’s what it stands for. I’m going with these lads. And they’re all gonna be… …in groups to try and split things up. I need to start distracting some of these, and I neeeeed some spear throwers to contact with these potions sellers’ faaaces. I need to–stAb ’em in the eYes. All right, so get ready… Everyone’s going in, full tilt. Do I have enough to buy anybody else? I can just add another protector. Why am I not doing that? PLEASE put your shield up in front of your face, Rogerrr. Okay, we’ve had to talk about this last week. Some of your performance is not doing that great. Just between us–between you and me. Okay, bring it in. All right. *whispers* Roger’s not gonna last the week. He’s gonna get fired. Yeah. He’s kinda bad at his job. It–he’s got one job: hold the shield up in front your face–he’s not doing it. Okay, I’m gonna have to send him home He has a wife and three kids. I know, it’s harsh, but *shouts* ROGER, HEY–how–how ya doing? uUum I’m gonna send you in, and everyone’s gonna have a wonderful time. YEEES That’s what I like to see; keep them in the back. Keep them getting–NO, no All right. Does that does that wear off–or do you just die? You better not just die. YeEEEeeEsss– NAIL ‘EM. NAIL HIM–NAIL him to the cross like Jesus. What’s up potion seller– *breaks into laughter* The victory shot… *more laugh* He’s dabbing, he was just like “aaAAaaAAAHHH” *jack dabs* *large gasp* ROGER!! You did it buddy!! LOOK AT HIM! (Roger’s not gonna get fired. *Cheers*) *Roger falsetto voice*: Did I–Did I do good? Dad? Am I–am I the best at the game now? Yes, Roger. *sniff* Yes, you are. ;v; *laughs* Oh, Roger–oh Roger. *while chuckling* Some guy had it out for ya–some guy knew you were bad at your job He was coming straight for your skull with that spear, but you know what? It’s okay. We’re all part of one big, happy, googly-eyed, dysfunctional, wobbly, family. OOO mammoth time!! That’s it. I don’t–well..spear throwers. *gasp* Are these–are these incognito soldiers? Are these behind enemy lines?? Are these Trojan bales?? They better not be. Alright–GO LADS!! Let me–let me see with this. Ohh yes, ’cause they have no–they have no projectiles, so I want to see how this goes. *chuckling* Ohh yeah *mammoth tramples blue men* OHHH YEESSSS *laughs* Ohh my God they never even stood a chance–*laughs again* hahaHAAAA It’s amazing! You can over–you can accomplish any–why do I keep on saying over accomplish? You can accomplish anything, if you just have a mammoth with some sweet hair. You guys got rekt. Man, this new ice age is looking great. …If it’s not broken.. …then sure don’t bother be goin’ to fix it. As the Irish people would say. That’s what they say in my Celtic land. Ah, I remember it fondly–look, Ireland. *Ireland swooshes into existence in background* Ahh look how green it is. Ah, beautiful land. So green, but you know what–sure feck it it’ll be grand. Alright, GO LADS! *gasp* THEY WERE HIDING! OHHH THEY WERE CLOAKED! HIDDEN IN PLAIN SIGHT–(Brand plug) NNOOOOooO THEY CAME OUT OF NOWHERE THE HOBBITS–THEY’RE HIDING IN THE FIELDS– Alright, go, mammoth–go big mammy. No, no. Oh no– Can you be affected by a potion? “Potion seller, I’m heading into battle– And I need you to..not do that–” Stop hitting my mammoth in the arse! Oh, no, he’s confus-ed. This is bad. This is bad. This is unfair. I couldn’t see the frickin Hobbits, they were hiding in the grass. *mimics characters* Whoopwoowoopdewoopwoopwoop You sound like Ed Edd and Eddy *chuckle* He’s still going strong–he’s gonna do it lads. He’s gonna do it!. He’s the strongest mammoth I’ve ever seen! GO–there’s only one lad left–oh stare him in the eyes. GET HIM IN THE EYES–GET HIM IN THE EYES–k *victory* YEEESSSSS *clap* ooOOOHHHH OOOOOHHH IIIIRELAND IIIIIIRELAND TOGETHER STANDING STRONG Oh, you big beautiful mamm– *mwah* Smooches for your face–that’s my friend. 🙂 Guys, I just–I just learned something. In the middle of all of this, in the middle of this crazy weirdness that’s been happening, THE EARTH IS FLAT. *dun* O_O It’s just a–a pancake stack. Finally, revealed here on the jacksepticeye variety channel, we have figured out: –the lads and lassies have figured out that the earth is indeed flat. This is a trying time for the gaming community. I hope that we can still rise up and get bread. All right, all you wannabe Gaelic gladiators out there–it’s ok. Just keep growing the hair and keep drinking Guinness, and you’ll get there someday. One day, you can be as majestic as this *smoothes hair* *wau, so majestic* But I’m gonna leave this episode of TABS here–God this–I miss this game so much. I really wanted–there’s been so many times in the past year where I’ve been like “Ah, I want to play that again,” But all the stuff whenever I’d load it up it was the same kind of stuff as before. But I’m so glad that it’s in early access now, and there’s way more updates. There’s so many more levels and so many more units and everything now. I am going to play the..SHIITake mushrooms out of this game. I can’t wait for–*small laugh* this guy praising the sun. *jack appear* I have been summoned. Now for all your conversational needs–you can just GIF that and you can summon jacksepticeye to your timeline, whenever you want. But thank you guys so much watching this episode. If you liked it, punch that like button in the face… LIKE A WARRIOR AND High fives all around ~ *WAPSH* *WAPSH* But thank you guys and I will see all you dudes– IN THE NEXT VIDEOOOOOO ~outro music~ Go out, alert everybody: THE EARTH IS FLAT!

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