– I want to talk about
what happened to me over Memorial Day. I have been waiting all weekend
to tell you about it, and finally I get to tell you,
and– [lively music] – Well, this just in: you do not
have to tell everyone when you’re on a juice cleanse.
[audience laughter] It is not required by law, and the juice cleanse works
just as well if you don’t tell people
about it, or about how your body feels
while you’re on it. So once again, you do not have
to tell everyone about your juice cleanse. We now return you to
regularly-scheduled programming. [lively music] – Uh, uh, well, I’m sorry for
that interruption. I’ll tell you about what I did
later on. I assume you’ve all heard of
IKEA, right? Okay.
[cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] Well, if you don’t know, “IKEA”
is a Swedish word that means “Where does this screw go?” And–
[audience laughter] There’s a marriage therapist
in California who’s sending people to IKEA
for couples therapy, and she says it helps couples learn how to communicate
and compromise. She even recommends that couples put together
their furniture naked, which is, uh–yeah.
[audience laughter] Just wait till you get home,
I say. [audience laughter]
So it turns out that other businesses are trying
to take advantage of this, and they’re offering to help
people work out their issues. This is a new commercial
that I saw. (male announcer)
Life is full of big choices. Finding the right partner. Settling down and having
a family. But if you aren’t sure you’re
ready for kids? What if only one of you
wants children? How do you get on the same page? That’s where we can help. Come to Chuck E. Cheese. [baby crying] [boy crying] One visit to your local
Chuck E. Cheese, and you’ll absolutely
never, ever want children. [baby crying] [children crying and screaming] [cheers and applause] – People that don’t have kids
were laughing harder at that than the people who have kids. [audience laughter] All right, now I can tell you what happened to me over
Memorial Day. It was Sunday evening,
and Portia and I– [lively music] – This just in: Jared Leto
is the only man who looks good with a ponytail. If you are wearing a ponytail
and your name is not Jared Leto, you may want to look into
a new hairstyle. Once again, breaking news here: Male ponytails are only
attractive on Jared Leto. [lively music] – Uh, boy, I’m sorry for
that interruption. That will not happen again,
and I’ll tell you about my Memorial Day in
–just, in a minute. But here’s something else
I want to tell you about. Google just announced
a new feature: you can download your entire
Google search history. Don’t ask me how, but right now,
on these blue cards, I have the last thing that
everyone in my audience Googled, and I’m sure you wouldn’t mind
if I share this with the world. So first we have this person
right here. And… She Googled–
[audience laughter] [audience laughter] And here’s this woman. [audience laughter] She Googled– [cheers and applause] And there’s this guy. And he Googled: [laughter and applause] Finally, there’s this man here, and he Googled… (audience) Aw! That’s sweet.
I love you, too. – That–[laughs] Andy, do we have time to tell– I want to tell my story about
what happened over the Memorial Day weekend. Do I have time?
– Quickly, if you do it quickly. – All right,
so how long do I have? Like, just–
– 30 seconds. Tell the story.
– Okay, well, it’s– maybe it’s like
a 40-second story. So I’m–
[audience laughter] Well, I know.
That’s why I’m asking you if I have enough time. – Tell the story.
– Okay, well, okay. But don’t interrupt me if
I’m telling it and say– All right.
Like I said, It was Sunday. [lively music] – This just in:
Hiking is just walking. [audience laughter]
It’s not better than walking, it’s the exact same thing. So once again:
hiking and walking, there is absolutely
no difference. Although “hiking” does sound
better on your Tinder profile. We now return you
to regular programming. [lively music] – We’ll be back.